I Don’t Always Need To Apologize

Parenting is a tough but rewarding gig. My kids have gotten more adorable yet fiercely independent as they have grown. Some days they are dressed in matching clothes and look awesome. Other days they stay in the underwear all day and fight me about every meal I make. I try my hardest to maintain a happy, healthy, “sane”, sanctuary for them to call home.

To do that, there are things I will not ever apologize for..

Being Me – Right now I am depressed, have anxiety and don’t want people in my space. I’m not sorry that I met you, I’m not sorry I backed off and I’m not sorry I’m taking my own time to heal with my family so that we always have a safe, happy place. Our home. I’m not sorry that I don’t invite people over or that I’m not out meeting new people all the time or meeting people at all. Being me has my focus somewhere else. On my family.

No Play Dates On School Days – We have a routine. We live in a neighborhood full of kids. Kids my kids ride the bus with and know from school. Kids that want to play all the time. It’s actually pretty cool. But Delylah doesn’t get off the bus until 4:30 sometimes. Their bedtime is 8pm. Between that time we have to do homework, dinner and bathe. There is no time for friends to come over. They get to play outside and have fun, just not with company. That is what you call a “tease”. Sure you can come over for the 15 minutes before dinner. Or the 15 minutes after dinner before showering. NO. You can’t. Bummer.

My Car Might Smell – When you get in my car, it might have a weird, pungent smell. We are on the go a lot. We travel a lot. My kids eat in the car and spill shit…..a lot. I don’t constantly clean my car and inspect for messes in every nook and cranny. The seats might be sticky and you may or may not be able to see out the window from the drawings my kids made for me after they fogged them up and drew in them with their dirty hands. I do clean it sometimes. It’s just never clean when I take other people places. It will still you get you where you need to go. It has an awesome stereo system and DVD player with a widescreen T.V. So you either want a ride or not.

Going To Yoga….EVERYDAY – This is recent in my life and I didn’t realize how much I needed it. Thank you JoRen for sharing it with me. I didn’t know how much I would enjoy it or how much I would get out of it. Not only am I learning more about myself on a spiritual level, I am clearing my mind of recent negativity and the depression and anxiety that has taken over. I am learning to meditate without going to class and balance my being with my breath. Yoga is for me. I go when Travis is home, without him. I go when he is at work and the kids are at school. Yoga has become my journey through myself, to myself.

Saying No – If I say “NO” I don’t really need to explain further or apologize for it.

No – (a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request)

You don’t need to apologize either!

Happy Thursday My Friends!


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Years Of Transformation

It has taken me some time to compile photos of past birthdays and I’m sure I have more lying in unpacked boxes somewhere. I scoured my google photos and Facebook as well as some of my families pages to see what they had but I have a majority of what everyone else has. So let me begin by saying, I have changed…a lot! Having kids changed my face. I got glasses in between all these years. I don’t know what I was thinking tweezing my eyebrows like crazy when I was younger and I love my tattoos!

This was 1987. I’m super cute and 3 yrs old with my mom, grandpa and Aunt Linda in Anza! Just so you can see that I was, at one point, super cute!

This is 1992. 8 yrs old. Not as cute. You can’t see my face all that well here but Delylah is 7 right now and she kind of looks like me! That’s my younger brother and my mom.

1997. 13. Resting Bitch Face has taken over. My black boots, black clothes and mean looks weren’t really fooling anyone. Luckily, they didn’t last forever!

This wasn’t quite my birthday but I couldn’t find a picture from my 18th birthday and this was pretty close. This was the year 2002, 18 years old at the homecoming game with my dad. Thin eyebrows and curly auburn hair. If you know me from high school, you remember this look well!

2003 and 19. Brought me bad choices. This wasn’t my birthday either but it is a picture you can see a drastic change in me. I am on the left. My cousin is next to me. My younger brother is on the top right and the other 2 are our friends. I now have black hair and bangs. Thinner eyebrows and darker make up. Thank you 2003 for that! This is the year that Travis and I got together though, so it wasn’t all bad choices!

Fast forward a few years because we didn’t really celebrate birthdays. We just partied and then had babies. I had PPD for about 2 years and my birthday was the last thing on my mind. This was 2007 or 2008? I’m guessing. No more black hair. All natural with some of my favorite women. Celebrating March Birthdays. My Grandma on the right, whom I share my birthday with. My cousin next to her March 14th. My Aunt on the left March 23 and me next to her. This was a fabulous birthday. You can see the side of the cake that Aunt Sally let Levi stick his hands into every time he walked by! He was just the right height!

2010, 26 years old. Delylah was born in January and it felt like my birthday had snuck up on me. My dad’s girlfriend at the time, made cake and dinner. It was very sweet and nice to get out of the house after having a baby. My face is chubby, my eyebrows are filling in and motherhood is my role!

I don’t know what happened to 2011. I was busy with kids. Here is 2012, 27 years old. Birthday at Mema’s house. I now have glasses. Still kind of thin eyebrows and starting my tattoo collection. Mother hood is suiting me. My face is finally not chubby from having Delylah anymore.

2014, 30 years old. I don’t have pictures from 2013. The flu had hit my house that year and it was the first time Delylah had a febrile seizure. I don’t even recall celebrating. We missed Easter that year too! But 30 and 2014 brought short hair, thicker eyebrows and a road trip to the Grand Canyon with one of my best friends. Memories that will last a life time. It was one of my favorite road trips of all time!

2015, 31 years old. Shorter, purple hair. A much less adventurous birthday. Travis had a class that weekend in Santa Barbara so we went to stay with him and went to the Santa Barbara Zoo. Back home in Anza, my bestie made dinner and we had cake. It was also St. Patrick’s Day when we went over there.

2016, 32 years old. Faded out red in the front of my hair with brown in the back. I actually regret cutting it from this. I cut it before we moved to Texas. I should not have. We went on a vigorous hike with my bestie and her family bringing along with us some extra kids. The next day we went Hot Air Ballooning and Winery Hopping! This was my last birthday in my home town so we went all out and got a little toasty. I had an amazing time. I would do it all again in a heart beat!

2017, 33 years old. Living in Texas. My birthday was a little different this year. Our families are far away and celebrating was different. I now have “normal” looking hair with blonde highlights. Short but I’m letting it grow. Bigger, wider glasses. We started my birthday on St. Patrick’s Day like we have done in the past and went painting. The next day we went to the Zoo. Followed that day up with Kayaking. Finally, my birthday “DAY” was upon us. Travis came home from work surprising me in the parking lot of the grocery store! We had an amazing Lobster dinner and it was a wonderful day. I pampered myself all day. Yoga, a pedicure, bought my favorite flowers, an edible arrangement, drinks with the neighbor, phone calls from loved ones and just enjoyed every moment of the day! This year I’m kind of celebrating all week. It started St. Patrick’s Day with painting and will end the 27th when I get my birthday tattoo that Travis and I drew up together. In between now and then I’m still focusing on myself with daily yoga. Today I’m getting a manicure. This weekend we are going to see the new Beauty and the Beast movie and whatever fun and trouble we can think up in between!

Looking from the first picture to the last, I have changed quite a bit. I have gone through struggles but also triumphed. I made great friends along the way and acquired one of my best friends after having Delylah!

Enjoy the day!

Embrace the Change!


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Happy Birthday Winter, On The First Day Of Spring!

Happy Birthday To Me and My Grandma up in Heaven!


Happy Spring!

Hopefully the weather will stop being so Bi-Polar and it will actually start feeling just like Spring. Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons. Allergies, Swimming and Flowers! Outdoor activities and camping! Road Trips! I’m excited for the seasons change! It means the kids are almost out of school. Obviously, it means it’s my Birthday. Our road trip is coming up soon and the planning needs to start happening. I have been slacking with that and need to get on it!

I spent most of my night tossing and turning, unable to sleep because of a misguided conversation that ended without understanding…at least that’s my take on it. Delylah was up most of the night having nightmares. So she was asleep but awake. My throat started hurting last night. I am not ready to be sick right now. When my alarm went off at 5 am I was anything but ready for it. Sleep evaded me last night and my eyes had just seemed to close nicely.

But Hey, it’s my Birthday!

I will light my candle for my grandma. Get my kids off to school. Clean up my house a bit. Work out and head to yoga. There is an edible arrangement store right by the yoga studio I frequent so I am going to stop in there and grab some edible pops for me and the kids for later and see what else they have that’s ready to go!

There are no grandeur plans for my birthday this year. Over the weekend the kids and I went to the zoo and went Kayaking. I guess I’m having sort of a birthday week! Travis is at work until Thursday or Friday and then we plan on taking the kids to see the new Beauty and the Beast movie. While they are at school one of those days we will be spending time at a tattoo shop for some long over due ink time. I was trying to think of my absolute favorite food ever. I had a really hard time coming up with something. I guess I had never really thought about it before. But it would be some really good cooked crustacean. Lobster, Crab, Shrimp. We will probably have a nice dinner at home. If you know Travis, he gets down in the kitchen!

Over the next few days I will be compiling photos from over the years birthdays to make a fun post of how I’ve changed over the years. I’m excited to see it myself!

Happy First Day Of Spring

Happy Monday

Happy Birthday to Me!


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IDGAF – And You Shouldn’t Either!

I have had recent meltdowns that included eating an entire bag (big bag) of red vines and not leaving the bathroom with my phone. Ya, that kind of meltdown. You might have encountered something similar.

I could go on and on about what causes said meltdowns but what it basically boils down to is inappropriate allocations of Fucks to be given. I have said it before, I’ll say it again, there are only so many fucks a person can give. Eventually, we come up empty. We lose our shit. We yell, we cry, we lock ourselves in the bathroom with our red vines or cookies or wine or whatever. We wake up with tension in our neck and back that doesn’t go away for days!

Every once in a while we need to take stock in our fucks-giving budget. There is an art to an IDGAF attitude. I have not yet mastered this or I wouldn’t be spewing it like vomit at this moment. Still, there is only so much time a person can spend yelling, crying and locked in a bathroom fattening themselves up on cookies and red vines!

I’ve written about things IDGAF before but here’s a few more things I have recently decided to add to that list….

HIDING IN THE BATHROOM TO CRY AND EAT RED VINES – Sometimes you just have to lose your shit. I have actually not lost my shit like this since Levi was a baby and I had PPD but apparently it’s my time and I was overdue to let some feelings out. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.

LOSING MY SHIT – As I said, I haven’t really lost my shit like this in years. Certain people I have met and this move has brought it out of me. I am trying like hell to rein it in but I am far from perfect. Some days there are such epic shit storms that I can not wooo-sah enough to let it go and I lose my shit. There is nothing wrong with losing your shit and getting dramatic and emotional every now and then. I don’t feel guilty…I kind of feel guilty but I’m trying like hell to not give a fuck!

SPEAKING MY MIND – While I do this most of the time anyways, I am a self-professed people pleaser. I really just want everyone to get along and be happy. That’s what got me in the mess I was previously in, in the first place. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. It’s going to hurt. You and other people. But sometimes THE TRUTH HURTS! It also feels so good after!

SWEARING – Look, I cuss like a sailor and that isn’t going to change. There are times when it isn’t appropriate and somehow, someway, I manage to just not utter a single cuss word. But get me around like-minded adults and every other word is F this and that is the Shit. There are far worse things than a well-timed F bomb. I swear like a mother fucker. Big deal!

SOLICITORS – Even if my door is open and you can see me, I’m not getting up. I will play that game the kids play with each other and pretend no one is there. IDGAF!

BEING A PTA MOM – I don’t pay for the PTA. I don’t volunteer and I certainly won’t be starting now.

CHIN HAIRS – I’ve long since come to terms with the fact that, as a woman of a certain age, I’ve got wrinkles with the occasional massive pimple. Such is life. The most recent addition to my facial woes: chin hairs. Those babies sure do get out of control fast. One day my skin is as smooth and hair-free as a baby’s bottom and the next day I have five dark black hairs so long they are starting to curl. Instead of lamenting the fact that I’m sprouting hairs in all kinds of bizarre places, I’ve just started carrying a pair of tweezers with me. If for some reason, I can’t rip those suckers out immediately, at least I can stroke them while I devise my plans to take over the world with all of the time I’ve freed up by not giving a fuck.

BEING A COOL MOM – It takes a lot of effort to stay on top of fashion, new music and trends these kids are into these days. I don’t have time for that. I still do not know what “bae” means and when the kids started talking about dabbing I thought they were talking about something else completely!

IDEAS OF PERFECTION – Perfection is boring and completely stupid! Hence the IDGAF attitude.

MAKING PLANS WITH PEOPLE I DON’T ACTUALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH – Yes, I’m new here and I’m trying to meet people. But I don’t really want to. I’m not going to waste my time pretending to enjoy the conversation we are having when I’d rather be at home. The few people I have met and talk to already know this and don’t bug me. They get it. They know IDGAF!

DRINKING – I’m a grown ass woman with grown ass responsibilities that cause grown ass stress and call for a stiff ass drink! Sometimes everyday. Sometimes only on the weekends. Sometimes not for months. I can drink if I want. When I want and in copious amounts if I want.

What are you adding to your IDGAF list?

Happy Saturday My Friends!


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