Kids are really great at certain things. They are great cuddlers, they are good at picking stuff up off the floor. But kids are really bad at some things too. For instance, they are terrible at remembering that they took their shoes off by the door where they always take their shoes off and there are shoe buckets right there! They are bad at caring if you are tired or not. They are also bad at whispering. Try it. Ask a kid to whisper, and they truly can’t do it.
Here are some other things kids are terrible at:
Walking Around the Edge of the Pool- I think kids are actually physically incapable of walking around the edge of the pool. We should feel bad for them, really. That Pretend-Walk-That’s-Actually-
Telling the Truth- You know they just used a whole roll of toilet paper or at least un rolled it and played with it and then tried to flush it. But when you ask them about they act like they have never seen the bathroom before!
Telling a Story So That You Actually Know What They Are Talking About- I love hearing their stories. I just wish I knew what the hell they were talking about. Hairy zombies? Flying juice? A portal out of someone’s nose? What?
Patience- Parenting tip: Don’t tell a child about anything exciting until you actually arrive at that exciting thing. That is, unless you enjoy saying, “not yet,” every five seconds.
Pointing at strangers and asking loudly why they look they way they do- Children really want to know why that lady’s hair looks like that or why she’s wearing weird clothes and they aren’t afraid to ask.
Not Repeating Something Forever and Ever and Ever and Ever and Ever- Whoever made up the song This is The Song That Never Ends owes me about an hour of my life back.
Deciding When They’ve Gone Too Far- We are having crazy fun! Woo-hoo! Things are getting out of control! Oops. Now everyone is crying. Every single time.
Not Irritating the Shit Out of Their Siblings- Every day my, kids wake up and think, you know what would be fun right now? Getting in my brothers space and maybe even punching him. I’m pretty sure he’s really going to like that.
Remembering Anything We’ve Ever Told Them- My son looks at me in surprise every single day when I tell him that he needs to brush his teeth like, What? I do? I don’t remember you ever saying that before.
Keeping Their Bodily Functions to Themselves- Maybe it’s because their bodies are so new and they are still getting used to them but kids love to let you (and everyone within listening range) know everything that’s happening inside and outside of their bodies. They to also want to know what you think it smells like….Fun stuff right here.
Juggling- Just trust me on this one. Don’t give your kid 3 apples and say have it unless you want shit broken all over your house!
Caring Whether or Not They Look Homeless When They Leave the House- Just a whole lotta not caring going on around here. When I ask to at least put clean clothes on and comb your hair, at least one of my kids asks why I care what he looks like. Are you kidding me? You can make money with a sign at Wal-Mart like all the other “fake” homeless people.
Making Decisions About Breakfast- I give them about the same three choices every morning and they look at me with blank stares like I’m speaking Mandarin, which I’m almost totally sure I’m not doing. I recently stopped giving them choices and they get eat whatever I want to give them. Maybe it’s nothing!
Making a Decision About Anything, Really- I don’t know how they are ever going to decide on a college when just ponytails vs. braids, pants vs shorts and what shoes to wear renders them an incapable sobbing mess on the floor.
Judging Distances That They Can Successfully Jump- Yep, they are bad at this.
Kids are bad at lots of other things, too. The list is long. But I guess most of the time, we can give them a break because they are all just practicing to be functional grown-up humans. Aren’t we still trying to do the same?
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