How To Screw Up Your Kids

As if we needed any help in screwing them up anymore than we are already going to. Today we live in a society where everything you do or say to and with your children is scrutinized. Examples- “You are making those cookies with your kids? They are so unhealthy. Those snacks are full of sugar, they’re going to get cavities.” Just a few examples. When really you think baking cookies, no matter what kind, is spending quality time with your children. Another parent thinks otherwise.

Thank goodness for all those scrutinizing remarks or how else would I know that I’m screwing up my children! This all got me thinking about all the other ways I’m being irresponsible and screwing up my children and have been doing so for quite some time.

I’ve made a list of things that will help in the aid to screwing up your children too!

 1. Bake cookies with them. Making them fat and unhealthy.

 2. Let them play video games. No matter the rating, just letting them play is rotting their brain and teaching them horrible habits because they are going to apply whats happening in the game to real life.

3. Let them race their bikes with their friends. If you want them to join a motorcycle gang when they’re older.

4. Carry Them. If you want them to grow up to be lazy bums.

5. Take them to the zoo. If you want to teach them that keeping animals caged and in captivity are amusing concepts.

6. Read them books. If you want them to be dumb and never read a sign so they end up lost, or get a ticket for speeding because they can’t read. Great Job!

7. Push them on the swings. If you want them to learn that pushing is ok, even fun!

8. Hit up a fast food joint drive through so you can split a shake. If you want to teach them that drinking and driving is ok!

9. Draw with sidewalk chalk. If you want to raise graffiti-loving little hoodlums defacing public property.

10. Dance with them. If you want them to grow up and be XXX adult dancers!

11. Start a collection: rocks, stamps, coins, etc. If you want them to grow up and be hoarders surrounding themselves in their treasures!

12. Play Hide and Seek. If you want them to learn to run and hide away from their problems.

13. Play puppets with them. If you want to teach them to speak for someone else.

14. Fly a kite. If you want them to disrespect nature. Kite gets caught in a tree. LITTERER! Bird gets ensnared in string. MURDERER!

15. Build a fort. If you want to encourage antisocial behavior and seclusion.

16. Play Simon says. If you want to raise little Adolf’s!

17. Start a garden with them. If you want them to grow up and be poor farmers.

18. Swim with floaties. If you want them to always latch on to something or someone and never do things on their own.

19. Blow bubbles. Because we all know that leads to something else…..eh hum…..

20. When they are sick give them medicine. If you want them to grow up and be drug addicts.

21. Write an article about random unsolicited advice from other parents. If you want them to grow up and not care what other people think and say! (I don’t think this one will actually screw them up!)

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