Heartless, Honesty and Depression….I Am Apparently All Three!

Without the knowledge of someone else, I was recently called “Heartless.” Meaning, they don’t know I know.

Heartless- unfeeling; unkind; unsympathetic; harsh; cruel.

Heartless because I told someone how I was feeling and needed to back out of a friendship for a period of time for my health and sanity. Unfortunately, that wasn’t good for them because they didn’t fit into it and no matter what I said or how much time I needed, it wasn’t about them.

It has been no secret to anyone that truly knows me or reads this blog, how hard of a time I have been having with the transition here. I posted a blog about the difference between this home and my last. I tried to show the differences and explain them before I cut ties with this friendship so there would be an understanding. That’s called “Honesty.”

Honesty- truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness. The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.

This person called me Heartless to my husband and told him not to tell me of their conversations.

First, what kind of “friend” has conversations with your husband and tells him not to tell you unless it’s for a surprise? Second, what kind of “friend” of after just 5 months, gets upset with your honesty because you are having a hard time with yourself and your life and can’t include them at the moment?

I explained to them that I was depressed. I immersed myself in the friendship hoping that it would occupy my mind from all that was going on inside it. Now that I was willing to come to terms with actually being depressed I needed to face it, focus on it and take a break from this overwhelming friendship and I told them so. I am not one to beat around any bushes but I was nice about it. I can not be focused on someone else while trying to take care of my family and myself with all that is going on inside my head. I expressed exactly that and they pretended to be just fine with it. Apparently up until last week when my husband began getting messages about it.

Depression- a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.

I chose to blog about this today because it keeps playing through my mind on a reel like an old movie strip. Over and over and I can’t get it to stop. I think this is the first time anyone has ever called me Heartless before. I also think this is the first time anyone has gone behind me and talked to my husband about me and they barely know me. Even my best friends don’t ask him about me when they might think something is wrong. They just ask me!

I was nothing but honest. Honesty sometimes hurts but lying hurts more. Being who you are is key to any lasting friendship. If the person you are isn’t willing to give me time to be depressed, get medical help, be with my family and focus on them without you or without you calling me names and taking this the wrong way, then we can’t be friends.

When I realized that I was far into the depression, I had lost weight. My hair was falling out. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. I was tired all the time but couldn’t sleep. I know what depression is. I have seen it first hand. I made a doctor’s appointment right away, got a full blood panel and began talking about what my next steps were. I knew I needed a break from the overwhelming friendship I had immersed myself in and I asked for it explaining my situation thinking that it wouldn’t be forever. I just needed to fix myself. Obviously I was wrong about that. Not on my part. I can’t fix anyone else.

I began taking yoga classes and waiting for my blood results. Finally my lab results were in and came back normal. Turns out I’m pretty healthy. Going to Yoga is giving me something to do, helping me get out there and teaching me to breathe and be with myself. I enjoy it. I was stuck in the monotonous ways of suburbia. We started a garden and began working more in the yard. There is really only so much we can do in this tiny yard compared to what we had. Delylah is starting soccer and she has gymnastics so I will be busy with that as well as Levi’s Art Club. Getting back into our busy type of schedule will help. The doctor agreed that doing things we are used to would help. And also Zoloft. That is my next step. I am doing what I can to help myself so I can be there for my family. So I can be there for myself.

Travis supports me no matter how I am feeling. He helps lift me up. He has been there for me to cry on when I don’t even know what I’m crying about. Last week I cried because the dogs wouldn’t stop licking me. I am truly blessed to have such an amazing life partner!

Today I hope to gain just a spec of closure after writing this and sending it out all over the inter-web. Maybe help someone else that has been feeling some type of way and unable to let it all out. Be Honest with yourself and those around. Taking the first step is hard but once you take it your body takes over and keeps putting one foot in front of the other and you keep taking those steps!

Happy Saturday My Friends


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